You’re not the only one who doesn’t know what “gaslighting”, or is confused about it. Gaslighting can be difficult to call out, particularly because it is not always apparent when it occurs.
Gaslighting is an form of emotional abuse that can make you doubt your own reality. You will also wonder if you are in the right in almost every argument. Gaslighting is not limited to romantic partners. It can also happen to family members, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.
Chivonna Childs PhD is a psychologist who helps us understand gaslighting. This will help you recognize the signs of it if you are a victim.
What does gaslighting mean?
Gaslighting is when someone manipulates your perception of the events to make you believe that they didn’t take place as you claim. Gaslighting can be done by challenging your authority, discrediting the evidence that you present or making you feel as though you are wrong.
Dr. Childs says that the victim of abuse may or may not be aware of what is happening, but it can still feel very confusing and damaging. You begin to doubt your mental capability, self-worth and self-esteem.
Gaslighting is named after the 1938 British play Gas Light, and its 1944 film version Gaslight. Both films are about an abusive husband who tries to convince his wife that she has lost her mind.
Gaslighting may first appear to be a simple difference of opinion between two people. Gaslighting is used to manipulate the victim into second-guessing their feelings or thoughts so that the aggressor has the upper hand. The more this behavior occurs, the worse it becomes. It’s a form of mental and emotional abuse.
Let’s imagine that you and your partner are both at a party with friends. Your significant other may make a casual comment about how attractive another person is at the event. This happens right in your face. This is bound to dampen your evening – after all, your partner would never say such a thing in front of you. What does this mean for you and your relationship?
You become quieter as the night progresses, because you are anxious about what was said. You try to bring it up on the way home by asking your partner what they meant by their comment. Then they interrupt you by telling you that you misunderstood their message. The script is now reversed, and you’re told that you ruin the evening by moping all night.
They ask, “Why did you do that in front all of my friends?” Why are you so dramatic?
When you argue your point of view, they shut down the conversation again. You feel guilty about bringing up the subject in the first instance and that you made a mistake.
You’ve probably been gaslit if you have experienced something similar.
“Gaslighting” is a type of emotional manipulation that someone uses to make you believe your feelings aren’t your own or what you think you’re experiencing isn’t actually happening, explains Dr. Childs.
Signs and symptoms of gaslighting
How can you tell if someone is gasliting you? It can be confusing for those in a relationship that is codependent. You don’t believe that someone close to you or someone who you love would do something like this. Gaslighting is effective because you are convinced that they would never do this to you. You can tell if it is happening by taking a step back to analyze the situation.
Dr. Childs says that something cannot be always wrong or never right. Gaslighting is when someone is always right, or their viewpoint is always the same.
Gaslighting can also be characterized by:
- They don’t care about how you feel. When you say things like “I was joking” or “You make this all about you,” you are implying that your feelings are wrong.
- They minimize the feelings you have by calling you “crazy” or “ridiculous,” or suggesting that you don’t understand what you are talking about.
- They can make you believe that your perception of an event is incorrect, by modifying your memory with false statements or beliefs.
- They cut you off. Dr. Childs says, “They are invalidating your feelings by not letting them finish.”
How do you respond to gaslighting?
It is almost impossible to reason with someone who uses gaslighting. When you point it out, but they do not correct their behavior, or continue to be aggressive, the only way to respond is to leave the situation. Gaslighters are more likely to have preconceived notions about what happened or to be unwilling to listen to your feelings.
Dr. Childs says that a fire will not burn if it has no fuel. “They cannot fight if they have nothing to fight with.”
How to Get Help
How do you turn the ship once it has set sail? Both parties must put in effort. It is important that the gaslighter reflects and understands the root cause of their behavior.
Dr. Childs notes that “they could have learned this from their upbringing. They could have been gaslit when they were children. Or they could be narcissistic.” There are many ways people become gaslighters.
You should call out gaslighting early and often if you are a victim. This will help to prevent it from happening in the future. This can be done with coworkers, friends or bosses by using human resources. If gaslighting occurs in romantic relationships, Dr. Childs recommends that individual therapy or couples therapy may be helpful if you can’t reason with the gaslighter. Both parties will benefit from individual therapy, which helps them deal with their issues. Couples therapy then can address the problems in the relationship.
If there are many arguments, if the relationship lacks intimacy, or if it is distant — whether physically, mentally, or emotionally — then couples therapy may be needed to keep, grow, and evolve your relationship, advises Dr. Childs.
“Your relationship should always be a shared one.” How can you have a relationship if you are always wrong, if your feelings are never valid, and despite your experiences, thoughts, and moods, you are never okay? It’s not a space that is shared.”
