They are fighting again over the same stuffed toy and last piece of pizza. How many times did you have to be the referee? It’s exhausting. You are frustrated, overwhelmed, and frankly, you’re just plain tired. Will it last forever, though? Could sibling rivalry affect your children’s relationships with each other in the long term?
Psychologist Susan Albers offers some useful tips for creating a peaceful and cooperative home environment, when you wonder Why we can’t all get along?
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is the term used to describe the competition and animosity between siblings. Sibling rivalry is most common between siblings of similar age. However, it can occur even when there are large age gaps or siblings who are not blood related. Sibling rivalry is not a single dispute about who gets better grades or the last piece of Halloween candy. It can occur often, repeatedly, and without a known common factor.
“A relationship between siblings is among the first and longest lasting relationships that people form,” Dr. Albers says. “Siblings is a child’s very first peer group, where they can learn important social skills such as how to communicate and manage conflict.
Sibling rivalry: the psychology behind it
Understanding the potential causes of family disputes is the first step to managing them. It’s unlikely that your kids are fighting because one toy or cake is bigger. Most fights are caused by underlying factors such as birth order or family dynamics.
Parents are the main source of comfort, security and admiration for firstborns. Introduce another sibling and they feel the need to compete with you for your attention. Even if it’s not your intention, a sibling may perceive even the slightest changes in how you speak to them or interact with them as a threat to their comfort and wellbeing.
Dr. Albers explains that sibling rivalry is rooted in the feeling of competition. Not all competition is bad. It can motivate you to work harder. “But in sibling dynamics it can be toxic and harmful when taken too far by parents or encouraged.”
Different developmental stages or competing demands for your attention may lead to jealousy and misunderstandings. Most of the reasons for sibling conflict, such as age differences or temperaments, cannot be changed when your children are young. This makes sibling conflict an unavoidable reality.
If you take deliberate steps to encourage cooperation, to reduce favoritism, and to pay attention to problems when they occur, you will be able to reduce the long-term impact of rivalry, and reduce the frequency at which these problems arise.
Dr. Albers says that “all hope is not yet lost.” There is no way to end the bickering for good, but there are ways to minimize conflict.
Adult siblings rivalry
Even your children can be affected by rivalry as they age if they have a low self-esteem or have trouble maintaining friendships. For older adults, identifying strategies and behavioral therapy can be helpful in addressing aggression and conflict.
Even if adults never experienced sibling rivalry in childhood, they can still develop it later in life. This can be due to a lack of ability to resolve conflict or underlying mental conditions such as anxiety, depression, or stress.
Dr. Albers notes that “long-term sibling conflict can be emotionally draining and make family gatherings and holidays into a dreaded and unhappy experience.” A therapist can assist you in identifying how to cope with the ongoing relationship. They will also help identify boundaries, communication styles and trigger buttons.
Ten tips to deal with sibling rivalry
It can be hard to pinpoint the true cause of arguments when you are overwhelmed by. It’s possible, however, to redirect conflict toward positive solutions through small changes. Here are a few strategies to help stop sibling rivalry.
1. Keep calm, quiet and under control
Be aware of what your children are doing to intervene before an issue arises or escalates. Stay cool so that your children will do the same.
2. Create a cooperative environment
Avoid comparing or favoring your children. Also, avoid encouraging competition. Create opportunities for compromise and cooperation by encouraging them to explore their own interests, play together and spend time with you.
Do not forget to also set an example. The way parents behave sets a good example for their children. Your children will be more likely to act the same way if they see you or your partner having loud arguments or slamming doors.
Dr. Albers says that role modeling is a powerful way to teach children to get along well with their siblings. Divide the last pie piece or work together to complete a task. This will teach your children about sharing. When you are in conflict with your partner, say sorry to them and let them know.
3. Celebrate Individuality
If you treat each child as an individual, they will be less likely to fight. Spend time with each child individually and avoid labels. Grab your sneakers and enjoy the sun with a child who loves to run outside. Snuggle up to the child who loves to read their favorite book. Make sure everyone gets the time and space they need.
You should avoid generalizing about your child’s personality and characteristics. If you call one child “the athletic child” and another “the book-smart one”, it implies that their worth is dependent on how they perform in specific areas. Translation: Your book-smart or athletic child might not feel as intelligent, supportive, or physically fit as your athletic child. These observations could foster animosity because of the labels they have been given. Instead, empower them for who they truly are without attaching labels to blame or guilt.
Albers encourages parents to list their children’s accomplishments and skills, rather than a single word or characteristic. Instead of saying, “Jane’s is the artistic child ,” say, “Jane has exceptional talent in art, is caring, and works hard at the school.” This will avoid pigeonholing children into a particular role and pitting them against one another.
4. Plan a fun family day
Children can bond by playing games together, going to the park, and participating in activities. This will give your children less reason to fight and more time to spend with you.
5. Children should be treated fairly and not equally
Fairness for parents is important, but it doesn’t mean that everything should be equal. Your children’s needs should dictate the punishment and reward you give. You don’t need to give the same toy to two different children. Give them toys that are appropriate for their age and interest. This kind of fairness can go a very long way.
6. Two to tangle
Rarely do you see the events that led up to a fight. Focus on the role each child played in the fight instead of blaming the other. Sit everyone down and talk about the feelings of everyone involved. Then, find ways to better manage the conflict in the future. , the gentle parenting guide, focuses on acknowledging feelings as they happen.
Dr. Albers says, “Check with your child to see how they feel about the conflict.” Understanding their perspective will make your child feel taken seriously and cared for. Even if you cannot solve the issue, letting them know that they are heard will help to calm their emotions.
You can use the following questions to guide your conversation:
- What did you feel when this happened?
- What did you feel after the conflict?
- What would you like your brother or sister to do differently?
7. Listen to the audio
Most children become frustrated and upset during a fight. Parents can be anxious about trying to sort out the details of a fight, but listening to their children and respecting their feelings can make a big difference.
Children will cooperate more if they are heard. Their emotions may not be an excuse for aggressive or negative behavior. Remind your child that violence will not be tolerated or accepted. Tell them to use their words to solve the problem. You’ll listen to them.
8. Give your children tools to help them solve problems
Use conflict to teach your children how to solve future problems. Show them how to compromise, share, or handle a similar situation more positively and appropriately.
9. Make discipline private
Avoid making the discussion public if a spat among siblings leads to the need for discipline. It can cause a child to be humiliated in front of his or her siblings, causing them to become more hostile. It is to make an announcement, not to teach a lesson.
10. Family meetings
Talk to your family to allow everyone to express themselves. This is also a good time to set up house rules, which all family members will agree to. These rules can be displayed in a common area, such as the kitchen to remind family members of their commitment to a healthy, happy home.
Dr. Albers says that it is important to have very clear rules for the family. This allows you to refer to the rule instead of choosing which child is “right.”
Is sibling rivalry ever over?
You feel like you have won each battle, until the next one comes along. Sibling rivalry doesn’t last forever as long as there is time and space for each conflict to be addressed.
If you’re conscious of your parenting then it will make it easier to manage these fights between siblings. Your children are always on guard and watching. Your kids will learn how to support each other over time by following your example and taking the time to resolve any animosity.
Dr. Albers says that harmony within a family, and especially between children, is what makes parents happy. “The good thing is that many families are able to work through their rivalry and transform conflict into deep connections.”
